Dan Kang

When I Inevitably Die

Dead smiley

First things first: If I’m ever brain-dead or in a persistent vegetative state, don’t keep my body alive. I don’t want anybody wasting their time and money.

Now that we have that out of the way, I want to declare some wishes for what I hope will take place after I die. Of course, none of these things could happen and I won’t care in the slightest, not even a little bit. Being dead is great in that way.

My funeral should be a celebration of my life. I know this is the goal of funerals in general, but I seriously disagree with how these “celebrations” are usually carried out. No celebration should have a sermon in the middle that puts everyone to sleep. I want people to smile, laugh, and sincerely have a good time. If you come dressed in black and wail, you’re automatically kicked out of my funeral. Go wail outside.

The celebration should start with a slideshow of my life. Hopefully my sister will still be alive because she’s most familiar with my most embarrassing moments. She knows where to find the picture of my 4-year-old self wearing my sister’s pink dress and the one of me as a baby sitting on the couch seriously looking like an overgrown potato. All these pictures of me with terrible haircuts and outfits should make it in there too:

Me as a kid Me as a kid

Oh, and videos. Growing up, my sister took videos of me doing awesome things like rapping about life and philosophy and beatboxing and miming. These videos should give you a glimpse into how I became the incredible person that I am today.

After the presentation, there should be an open mic where people can come up and share their favorite memories of me or share something incredibly stupid that I said one time. People should be able to say whatever they want. If you want to come up and say, “DK was a giant asshole and I’m glad he got mauled by a bear”, go ahead. Anything goes.

At first, I wanted my funeral to be open casket so that everyone can observe me in all my dead glory, but I probably won’t be able to do this since I want to donate my body to science. If my body is still intact and useful for research, I want my body to be donated and my funeral to be held after the body has been cremated and the ashes have been returned. That way, everyone who comes to my funeral can get a small goodie bag with my ashes so that they can snort it or whatever when they go home. Actually, please don’t snort me. Throw me into the winds when you go traveling so that my remains can be dispersed all over the world. That sounds awesome. Just make sure you’re not standing directly downwind so that what’s left of my body doesn’t end up in your mouth. I’m not Jesus.

If my body is unable to be donated to science for whatever reason, I want to have an open casket funeral with my body completely unaltered. I want to be displayed wearing the clothes that I had on when I died, or alternatively wearing no clothes if I died from a heart attack while furiously masturbating in the shower. Okay, I’ll allow a suit if I die naked. For the children.

If none of the above requests can be fulfilled, at least feed the guests delicious food so that they have something to be happy about. Oh, and please no sermon.